Hary Poter and the Pathetic 'Happy Birthday'
by baglady
Summary: Hary Poter has been wishing with all his might for years that a semimagical half giant would come to sweep him away to the wizarding world. On his eleventh birthday just that occurs...


**Hary Poter and the Pathetic 'Happy Birthday'**

By P.Sugdenfor A..Sugden

Hary Poter wiped a single tear from his dirty face as he scribbled in the dust on the floor. Around him he could hear the old shack creek as the rainbeat down on it and the waves threw themselves against it. It was amazing that it was still standing really, Hary thought. Aware of the pending danger of the roof collapsing on him Hary kept on scribbling his little picture in the dust. He drew what a sad pathetic Hary always draws, his biggest dream.

Harry was drawing himself away from the Durseys. Away from this horrid shack and instead in a magical land where only wizards or magical folk could go. In his picture he was a wizard and everyone loved him and he was in a wizard school where he excelled and fought evil in his spare time. Behind him Hary heard Duddy groan and he quickly scribbled the picture out. Nobody knew about Hary's dream and that's the way he wanted it to stay. Instead Hary drew a birthday cake for it would be his Birthday in three minutes.

Hary began to count down from ten. If something magical was going to happen it would want a cue. If a giant semi-magical man was going to come and whisk him away to the wizard world he should at least get a count down. So Hary counted,"10, 9, 8, 7," Hary was using the watch that was now his because Duddy didn't want it anymore,"6, 5, 4," he began to get very excited. If something magical was going to happen it would be in the first instant of his 11th birthday.

"3, 2, 1! Happy birthday Hary," Hary whispered pathetically to himself and blew out the dust candle on his dust cake. This of course blew away the whole 'cake', if you could call it that, away.

But Hary didn't notice that because he had his eyes shut firmly and was wishing as hard as he could for that magical someone to come for him. He waited with his eyes screwed up for that semi-magical giant man to burst through the doors and proclaim him some famous wizard. He'd been sure it would happen last year. And the year before. But this year he was even surer.

But as the minutes ticked by Hary Poter became less and less sure. Hary thought of all those mysterious letters he'd never been able to read because of his uncle Verniny. The owls bringing them just kept coming. That was why they were here in this horrible old shack in the middle of nowhere surrounded by rock and water. Maybe they were not actually letters from the headmaster of some wizarding school telling him that he too was a wizard and that he was enrolled in the best wizarding school around. Maybe his dream wasn't about to come true after all. The letters were probably just addressed wrong or had been ransacked by owls that randomly flooded houses with letters. It was just outrageous for Hary to think he could ever get away from his horrible relatives to become a wizard.

"Oh well. I guess things never will get any better," Hary sniffed and was just about to go back to sleep. But just at that moment a narcoleptic house elf fell through the roof. Or that's what Harry thought it was. He soon discovered that the house elf was not narcoleptic at all and was awake for the whole time that a huge semi magic man was ramming him through the roof. The house elf cried out in pain and flailed its arms around madly.

"shhh!" the gigantic man growled at the house elf and with one last almighty shove he rammed the house elf at the roof. The elf went limp and stopped screaming. The huge man jumped through the roof and tossed, _now_ unconscious house elf aside.

Duddy had woken from all the noise and the semi-magic giant man now turned his huge form to loom over Duddy.

"Allo 'Arry," the giant man said to Duddy who was shaking violently.

"I always wanted to come in through the roof. 'Cept Dumbledore never let me at 'Ogwarts. Somethin' abou' not havin' got round to gettin' the school properly ensured. Oh, I shouldn' 'ave told yeh that," the man growled in a deep gravely voice at Duddy who then fainted with a small squeak.

So Hary stepped forward with his knobly knees knocking together loudly.

"I, I, I, I. H, he, he, h, he'sss." Harry stopped. He'd always had a terrible stuttering problem.

"Out with it then boy," the huge man grunted. Then Harry remembered a tongue twister that he usually used to loosen up the tongue muscles making it easier to speak.

"Nibble Nobby's nuts. Nibble Nobby's nuts. Nibble Nobby's nuts. Nibble Nobby's nuts," Hary recited. The giant man blinked, "What on earth are yeh talkin' abou'?" Hary explained himself, "H, He's not Hary," Hary pointed to the unconscious Duddy, "_I'm_ Hary."

The giant man raised his eyebrows, "Oh! Phew, I thought you'd put on a few pounds…and got a lot uglier. Well, 'allo 'Arry. I'm 'Agrid," Hagrid reached out and took Hary's petite eleven year old hand in his huge who knows how old hand and shook it heartily.

"Um, I'm very p pleased to meet you Hagrid. But uh, gee whiz, golly wholly, what on earth are you doing here?" Harry asked, although he was sure he already knew the answer. This was it. This huge semi-magic man was here to whisk him away…to the wizard world. Really! Do you have to twist everything I write? Good, now on with the story.

Hagrid smiled, "I'm 'ere tah…tah. Oh 'allo, There goes me short term memory. Hmm where am I? And what am I doing here?" Hagrid turned and blundered off to smash things in a confused manner. At this point in the story it would only be right and proper for Hary Poter's care takers to wake up and demand to know what exactly is going on. And that is exactly what happened.

Petuna sat up and screeched loudly like a cockatoo at Hagrid who blinked stupidly, "You! Get out! Get out! How dare y- What! You're not Hary." She wheeled around to face Hary and proceeded to screech in his face," You! How dare you! Why aren't you the one making all this hullabaloo! Well why aren't you, eh? Eh? You DISGUST me!" Harry backed away from the livid Petuna and of course, following the rule of major coincidences always occurring in every good tale, he backed into the furious figure of his uncle Verniny.

"Get off me BOY! How dare you BOY! Don't touch me BOY! You just ain't good enough for me GURLFRIEND! Oh…I, I, I mean BOY!" Verniny shouted loudly with flecks of spit flying off onto Hary.

"S, s, s, sor, s, so, sor," Harry stammered. Verniny's face went crimson and he yelled even louder, "You've been drinking again haven't you BOY! How dare you get yourself drunk, especially when you're expecting a guest," he waved his hand in Hagrid's direction and went on screaming at Hary, "You'd better not expect us to look after your stupid guest while you sit in a corner grogging up( Miranda shudders with disgust, "I hate that word.") BOY!"

Hary quivered on the verge of tears, "I, I, It's my b, b, birthday." Vernon didn't know about Hary's plans of being whisked away to the wizarding world on his birthday and so didn't understand.

"So bloody what BOY? What do you expect us to do! Through a party and dance around you letting you do what you please? Eh BOY? Is that what you expected BOY?" Verniny could not have turned a darker shade of red, he was so angry. Suddenly Hagrid remembered why he was in a rickety old shack surrounded by rocks, water and some very beauty sleep deprived relatives. He remembered the mission he was on and stepped in to help out Hary who was now on the floor in the fetal position muttering under his breath, "Nibble Nobby's Nuts. Nibble Nobby's Nuts. Nibble Nobby's Nuts."

"All righ' all righ'," Hagrid pushed Verniny aside so he could talk to Hary. Verniny wheeled around and made rude gestures at Hagrid whilst making very polite comments like 'would you like another cup of tea?' Ok maybe it was more like, 'you want a fight with me punk? Yes I'm talking to you punk. Yes, not so brave now are you now that you're like ten foot tall and towering over me…Mummy.' Hagrid shook his head and extended one huge salad bowl sized fist which knocked Verniny out immediately. Petuna huddled herself into a corner screaming, "Take them! Take the rest off the family there are still so many fences I haven't peeped over, so many families I haven't yet spied on. Well maybe not _that_ many but still, I'm too young to die."

"'Arry Potter, I believe this is yours," Hagrid brought a crumpled letter from one of the many pockets of his brownish greenish many colouredish jacket. Hary looked awkward for a moment and it pained him greatly but he didn't take the letter to his dream getaway. Instead he began to stammer out an apology,"S, s, s, so, sor, sor, s, sor…Sorry but, jeepers mister. I'm not Ha-" Hagrid just stuffed the letter into Harry's mouth and winked, "Course yeh are, silly rabbit. Yeh certainly are a wizard!" Harry coughed and mumbled through the envelope. He'd practiced being surprised about this moment for so long.

"Jiminy cricket, I'm a what!"

"A wizard 'Arry."

"A what!"

"A wizard 'Arry."

"A wha-"

"Yeh're a gaddamn wizard 'Arry Potter! You are the famous 'Arry Potter. And I am 'ere to whisk yeh away…to the wizard world…fer Dumbledore…to teach yeh damnit!"

"But I'm just Hary."

"Well just 'Ar- Wait, did you just say 'Ary?"

"Yes, Just 'Ary-Urg. I mean just Hary Poter!"

Hagrid was shocked. The little voice in his head was saying, "_The boy lies! It lies!"_

Hagrid put his foot down," No! Yeh're 'Arry Potter!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes yeh are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes yeh are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes yeh are!"

"Look! I think I know what my own name is!"

The voice in Hagrid's head shrieked, "_He lies, he lies! The ring's in its pocketses!_" Hagrid did the right thing and tried to ignore it.

"So the ring's in your pocketses? Ay? Oh uh. I mean, so you're…'Ary Poter? Not…'Arry? Potter? Oh come on, can't you just be 'Arry Poter? Or even 'Ary Potter? Please? "Harry raised an eyebrow, "Weeell…when you put it like _that_…wait no, no I can't! I can't right the play for the Mulin Rouge…I mean…Oh those stubborn grass stains? No, no I mean…what the hell do I mean?" Hagrid's inner voice kept whispering, "_It's ours! They stoles it from us. It came to us on our birthday. Give the precious back._" Hagrid gave up on ignoring the voice and began to whisper everything it said at Hary.

"_Give the precious back. It's in its pocketses. Give it back to us! Gollum! Gollum!" _Hagrid hissed. Then Hary's 'inner Bilbo' came out," No! Why should I? It's mine. My own…_My precious!"_

Petuna could take no more of this madness. And then she cried,"STOOOOOOP," in a voice that sounded distinctly like Janet Whyce from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then her voice returned to normal, "Look. I've had just about enough of this! So either get over you're need for '_the precious'_ and come live with us in a world full of tea parties and being locked into your room for hours on end. Or you to let the mixed up 'inner voices' in your head take over and try out for a part in that movie with the big talking tree…that wizard who always wears white…and the Mr. Anderson elf. Oh you know the one." Hagrid and Harry looked bemused. What was this crazy lady talking about? Petuna sighed, "Oh all right. It's got Orlando Bloom playing an incredibly smexy elf-" Hary and Hagrid cut in straight away, "OOOOh Orlando Bloom. YAY! We're going to be in Lord of the Rings!" And then the storm clouds outside suddenly turned to a beautiful sunset and Hagrid and Hary skipped of into the sunset.

Then they came skipping back. Hary coughed, "Err, Petuna…You wouldn't happen to know which way New Zealand is would you?" Petuna wordlessly pointed behind her and the sunset picked up its skirts sat in the right direction and _then _Hagrid and Hary skipped of into the sunset…again.

THE END


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